My hands have been shaking a lot lately, which is strange for me. Usually, I can take a picture or hold them still very easily. I know from what I am going through in my own head right now, it is psychological. I have been holding on to negative emotions that needs to be let go. I do not want to put out any more defensive hatred into the world than I already have. I do not want to make it harder for people to connect with me or me with them.
I must create a positive tide of forgiveness for myself and for others.
I will start with myself because that is the hardest. A good friend of mine reminded me this past weekend when I went home to CT:
Our inner-monologue can be so much more hateful than anything we would ever say to anyone else. Try being nicer to yourself.
I firmly believe that we can only love others as deeply as we love ourselves. I have not been loving to myself lately. I have been negative and when I haven’t been negative, I’ve been numbing myself.
I forgive myself. I forgive myself for not being able to fight back during my rape. I forgive myself for not realizing it was rape until months later. I forgive myself for spreading negativity and placing unfair blame on others. I forgive myself for being afraid. I forgive myself for not handling every situation, every argument in the most mature way possible. I forgive myself for stifling my own healing process. I forgive myself for distancing myself from my lover and friends.
Saying it isn’t believing it, but it’s a damn good start. I am not a perfect person and I never will be, but I have felt the glow of positivity in my life before. I have felt a deep-reaching sense of inner-peace before. I know that I am capable of pure, unconditional love. I know I am capable of getting that feeling back.